New Rules for 2009

I often find that when I get an idea or have a story to tell, I'll take forever to state facts, dance around the main points and wander through references and metaphors like Dennis Miller with a lower SAT score.
So in 2009 I'm going to try and be a little more succinct and get to the point with some sort of efficiency.
However, in return, I'm going to need the following buzzwords, phrases and sayings to no longer exist...or at least have usage reduced by 35-40%.

"throw _____(me, you, him, her) under the bus" - there is no reason that lame management-speak should enter our vocabularies

"douchebag", "d-bag", or any iteration of "douche" - so cliche and overused I forget that its actually a device used to clean the post-coitus vaginal cavity, which is the actual definition of cliche`

saying "I heart _________(something)" - we all get the joke, its not that funny, no longer cute and definitely no longer original

referring to an older woman as a "cougar" - when my mother who lives in Sacramento thinks its cool to throw this word around, its lost any amount of worth it may have had, even worse, when a woman refers to herself as a "cougar"...gross

using the word(its actually an adverb) "fundamentally" before describing something - this reached unbearable levels during the presidential race, so hopefully it will see a natural 40% dropoff, but seriously, this isn't Scrabble, you don't get bonus points just because its a big word and saying "fundamentally" doesn't make you sound smarter when you say it before EVERYTHING

saying "I just threw up a little in my mouth" - a surprising funny line from a very unfunny movie. Way to go unoriginal, unfunny people, you killed this one

Any other ideas for the 2009 compost pile?

Sex=Baseball

So in talking with a friend a few weeks ago about things such as world news, politics and the economy; the topic of certain sexual exploits arose within our freakishly witty and insightful banter. More specifically, contemporary dating rituals and the escalation of affection between two anxious canoodlers. The conversation did not get far before I realized, my friend and I were not in clear understanding of what I would like to call...
The Definitions of Love (said in sexy Barry White voice).
So for greater societal good, let's go ahead and clear this up once and for all.

1st Base - Kissing on the lips, non-gratuitous making out, physical embrace

2nd Base - 1st base + light touching of erogenous zones

3rd Base - 1st & 2nd base + oral stimulation

Home Run - Fornication

Now, I realize the bulk of the confusion comes in the baserunning technique and aggressiveness on the base path. There is huge difference between trotting up to 1st base with a single and rounding the bag and making an aggressive move toward 2nd, and I don't think I need to explain why.
God bless...Baseball, what a beautiful game.

Tussin

Is there anything more satisfying than Robitussin? It soothes and remedies all your cough, cold and flu symptoms. It's awesome.
It has Acetaminophen. It's a pain reliever/fever reducer, antihistamine, cough suppressant and nasal decongestant. (What are histamines anyways? Who knows. But you bet your ass Robitussin is Anti-histamines)
Its even awesome to say..."Got me some TUSSIN"
or
"Rub some TUSSIN on it"
Try it.

In fact, I can't think of a single consumable product more satisfying than Robitussin.
Pizza? Maybe; although often unreliable and inconsistent(not to mention the occasional heartburn or gas).
Beer? Less consistent than pizza, and often leads to poor life-decisions.
Vitamins are alright, but not all that satisfying, and you really don't get the results as swiftly as you do with some Tussin.
Cranberry juice? Pretty satisfying; but its more of an instant gratification than a gift that keeps on giving all through the night, only to wake up feeling healthy and well-rested. Nope, Cranberry juice is just no Tussin.

Now, I know what youre thinking, and believe me, I've already thought of it. But even sex is not as satisfying as Robitussin. Much like pizza, sex can be inconsistent and unreliable. And unlike both sex and pizza, Robitussin never leaves you waking the next morning feeling dissappointed and ashamed.

Who am I kidding, being sick sucks. These are clearly the types of thoughts and rationalizations you start having when you've been sick for 5 days. But I suppose that is the beauty of Tussin, tomorrow will be a better day.

All I Want for Christmas

I fuggin' hate the holidays. But I'm kind of in the list-making mood. So below is my Scrooge McDuck, Bah Humbug, poor me, 2008 Christmas list. So if you need an idea of what to get me, refer to the list below.

All I want for Christmas is:

• A job
• A paycheck
• Health Insurance
• A place to live (preferably with a bed)
• A goddamn unemployment check
• A car
• A freakin interview, anywhere
• A couch
• A plan
• An Evite to something NOT on the only day this entire month I already have something planned
• A cuddle buddy...apparently

People I am Oddly Attracted to...

...Or, more appropriately titled: Women I am Oddly Attracted to. And I don't mean "Pam" from The Office or Sara Palin, because everyone thinks they're hot. This is an ode to the little-known, under-appreciated, and in no way categorized as "hot" by any magazine, tv show or celeb-obsessed tv networks.
Without further ado, the list is as follows (in no particular order, and in no way complete):

Jena Malone - aka, the chick from Donnie Darko...and shes from Tahoe, which I guess is kinda cool, I guess.

Michelle Obama - aka, "first lady elect"...I don't know if this technically qualifies as an odd attraction, many would argue that the future first lady is straight-up hot. I am one of those people.

Mary Elizabeth Ellis - aka, "the waitress" from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia...who a) is actually married to "Charlie" from the show, and b) thats all.

Ann Coulter - aka, "one of the most terrible people on earth"...believe me, I don't feel good about this, but I owe you the truth.

M.I.A - aka, "the girl who sings that gun song"...I can't believe no one had thought of doing the two different color lips thing that she did on the cover of Spin Magazine. Hot.

Michelle Malkin - aka, Fox News Channel's token minority...Similar heinousness Ann Coulter, minus the KKK aura Ann Coulter seems to emit. I wonder if I should be concerned with myself.

Kristen Schal - aka, "Mel" from The Flight of the Conchords...this ones kind of a stretch, but i suppose it fits in the spirit of the post

Ahead of My Time

While walking around in urban areas I like to observe the locals and play a little game called "Gay? or Just European?" The object of the game is to scrutinize and determine whether people you see on the street are, as the name of the game suggests, "Gay? or Just European?"
I've been playing this game for years. Its great fun.
Well it seems everyones favorite scenester blog, Hipster Runoff, has stolen my game on a recent post:
http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2008/09/fggts-or-eurotrash.html

(from the Hipster Runoff post):























"
Is this bro
a) from the future
b) an electro war soldier
c) just plain EuroTrash
d) an athlete in an Xtreme Sports league
e) an extra in the film ‘2Fast, 2 Furious: XXX’
f) a scuba diver who rides underwater motorcycles
g) a participant in a race around the world where you can only use stuff that u can keep in your cargo pants
h) a backup dancer for Linkin Park
i) ‘just a fggt’
j) Choose.Your.Own.Response
"

...a little bummed Hipster Runoff got to write about my game before me, either way, im still amused. Guess im just a little ahead of my time.

Sunday Night TV is for the Unemployed OR Topanga is not Funny

I don't have a job right now. And probably the worst part; actually, the only bad part of not having a job is the no-money part. Other than that, not having a job is pretty fantastic. Everyday is Saturday, its like summer as a 10-yr-old all over again. My favorite part is the feeling I get on Sundays, or lack of a feeling I should say. You know the feeling you got on Sundays when you were in school and there was a paper due the next day on a book you hadn't started reading (or hadn't even bought yet, as it were in my case). That feeling which then turned into a painful melancholy every Sunday when the thought of having to drag yourself to and from the same building for 8 or 9 hours for the next five days cast a shadow over any fun or happy feeling you may have felt. Suicidal Sundays - perfect (also the perfect name if you're looking to start an all-acoustic emo band).
Now that I no longer experience those Suicidal Sundays (for the time being), I have come across another reason why Sundays suck. Sunday Night TV.
After 11pm, TV on Sunday night is terrible. News, news, Tyler Perry's House of Pain reruns, and as I discovered last night, a show on the Style Channel called Dish (a show almost exactly like The Soup on E!) starring Topanga from Boy Meets World.
So I stopped and watched.
Shes still cute, still a lil thick, and still has huge knockers. But giving this chick a show all to herself is kinda sad to watch. Of course, it is Sunday at midnight, but Topanga struggles with comedy the same way she struggles with turning down a trip to Hometown Buffet. And for a show on Style Channel, its pretty lame that even I notice that she dresses like a 3rd grade teacher . Its like the stylists for the show called Disney and bought all the same clothes she used to wear on Boy Meets World, and told her to jump into her old mom-jeans and patterned sweaters.
Clearly mid-20 something, unemployed, males are not the shows key demographic, but Im just saying, Id totally watch if Topanga showed some cleavage.

I Voted Yeah!

So I voted for the first time (pause for obligatory lecture on voting)...and it was kinda cool.
Although I want to say something like "I should have been doing this all along!" (which, I know, I probably should have), I just never liked the idea of pledging my support for some turd sandwich or giant douchebag.
So two days ago, on November 4th, 2008, I voted for a dude I kinda like. I voted for some other stuff too, and unlike those old people in Florida 8 years ago, I found it to be a smooth and easy experience (just connect two lines right? wtf is so hard?).
Yet, despite all the gushing over Obama, my favorite part was the actual polling place.

The back of my voter pamphlet let me know my polling place was:
Garage
628 Haight St
BTW Steiner St & Pierce St

...less than a block away, sweet!

But wait, theres a place called "Garage" on Haight Street?
So I walk up, curious to see what this establishment known as "Garage" would be. Could it be a bar I'd never heard of? Could it be a coffee shop? Maybe a restaurant?
Nope.
Just some dudes garage.

Biker Bros, Beware of Baldin!

(see what I did there?...thats called "alliteration")

Guest blogger "Lindsey" writes:

"soooooooo,
bicyclists. in the city. blow. they don't signal, they give motorists crap, they have their own fucking lane and ride the highest of horses about not leaving a carbon fucking footprint. They don't pay registration and don't obey rules of the road aaaaaaaand they get no tickets. Most disturbing is how they ride to work and are all sweaty.

I followed a biker lady this morning that cut me off and at a light i rolled down the window like i was going to ask for directions and screeched at her; "Use your fucking brain and signal."
Not a shining moment, but yet I can't help wishing I would have had something to throw at her, a milkshake, a used kleenex, a baby, whatever."

Vacation

Free time is precious when you're working one of those "day jobs" as we call 'em.
You get up at 7am, get your disgusting ass ready for work. Get to the office somewhere around 9, possibly earlier and do things at a desk, in meetings, over the phone...that somewhere down the line, result in someone getting richer; that someone is not you.
You pack your bags and head out at 6pm, possibly later, and prepare for the ever-fantastic commute home from some office-type setting to your home.
Bus rides with local derelicts breathing heavily on your neck, dry-humping things you can't see, why is this thing im holding onto greasy? I love life.
Or, the alternative...
Freeways that look like parking lots, blond bitches on their cell phones to your right(isn't that illegal now?), random exec dude in his beamer on the left...I hate you. I wonder how much the cost of gas used commuting to and from work cuts into what I actually make.
Best case scenario, Im home by 6:30pm. Realistic scenario, Im home by 7pm or 7:15.
Sweet, all I want to do is eat. Mmmm, should I make some tacos? Maybe pasta? mmm...so I don't actually sit down to eat till 8pm.
Eat, do the dishes, it's now 9pm.
Best case scenario, I don't really start to get tired for 3-4 hours. Realistic scenario, I start to get tired in 2-3 hours and wanna go to bed. Imagine that, out of 24, only 2-3 are mine. Seriously, WTF?

Im going to T-Bell and listen to "Rat Race" by Problem Solved.

The Philly Stink

Open letter to approximately 35% of the men in Philadelphia:

You STINK
As in, you smell like raw meat *plenty of seasoning* left out in the sun for a couple weeks. Certified B.O.
Please upgrade your habits of personal hygiene, you disgust me.

Signed,
Ryan M. Rowe


Ok ok, so youre asking..."dude, Ryan, why the FUCK are you going around smelling dudes in Philadelphia?"...Lets just say, due to working conditions, ive been in close proximity to a large amount of people, within a close-quartered room in downtown Philadelphia for the entire week.
Ive met rich people, poor people. Tall people, short people. Skinny people, fat people, young people, old people...and yet, The Stink can be found attached to men in every one of these groups. It is truly a funk that does not discriminate.

So WTF Philly? Why do you smell? Its not hot, quite brisk at a brisk 71 degrees during the day. Maybe it is all those Philly Cheesesteaks you eat. Maybe you are all huge Phillies fans and have sworn a vow of zero bathing for the playoffs. And that is the only acceptable explanation I will consider.

Cashman, help me out; have dudes in Philly always stunk? Can you confirm or deny the playoff theory? Is there a possible Philadelphia Eagles wildcard that Im completely failing to recognize?

So Sad

Sorrow, pain, hurt, pity, worthlessness, self-loathing, empty. All feelings swirling in my head and stomach after realizing Saturday that my favorite band had been in town, and I totally missed it. There ARE, of course, varying degrees of these feelings. For instance, if you missed your favorite band 'this time', but you know they always play in ___________(your city), then its all good, you'll just seem them next time. Or if you missed your favorite band, but their new album kinda sux and its all __________ (type of lame fan/follower) at the shows anyways, then maybe you wouldn't be too bummed. But I missed my favorite band last weekend. I knew they were coming. And to pour lemon juice on my wounded soul, I had to drive RIGHT past the giant billboard on Market Street which read; "RANCID". Painful.
Watching all those fans waiting, loitering, outside the Warfield was like having to watch an orgy up close in person, but not getting to participate, and no slurpee. And then to go all GG Allin on my open wounds, Punk Rock Carlos calls me clearly holding his phone up at the show--leaving me to listen to that agonizing weird jumble of underwater concert noise filtered through two cell phones.

Im Boring

My life has been pretty boring lately. I think my status as a "C-List Baller" has slipped down the alphabet a little to D-List, possibly D minus-List.
People ask..."whats new man?" or "what have you been up to?"...because it gets a cheap laugh, my response is, "workin' and jerkin'!"
Which is actually about as close to the truth as you can get.

Didnt Want to do This but...

Sorry, sorry...I know you're just as sick as I am of all this Sarah Palin jibber-jabber thats been flooding our airwaves over the last couple weeks, but this is funny(again, sincerest apologies)

Stay classy Hot-Lanta!

New Rule...

Here is a new segment I'd like to introduce to you called "New Rule...".
It will contain one or more "rules" I deem necessary to progress as a nation and avoid the Orange County-fication of our culture and society.
No law-making here, leave that to the people who actually know what they're doing..or should know what they're doing. These are rules that shall be implemented (once I think of enough), when and if I am ever King of America.
Without further ado;

New Rule...
1) You may only play a doctor in prescription drug commercials IF you are actually a doctor.

2) You may only say you have herpes in a prescription drug commercial IF you actually have herpes.

That is all for now.

The REAL Chicago

Keeping with the work-trip tradition of posting while traveling from city to city, I thought I'd kick this one off by proclaiming Chicago the raddest town in America.
I know, I know, youre thinking - "why Ryan, what an unsubstantiated claim you make regarding the overall likability of one city over another"
Well here's why Chicago rules: within 3 hours of getting off my plane I devoured one of the best slabs of ribs I've ever had in my life at The Weber Grill Restaurant and was solicited for sex outside my hotel by what I have to assume was a homeless crackhead(woman).
Awesome.

Heres how the convo went...

Homeless Crackhead: Can you help me out with some change?

Ryan: Sorry, I don't have anything on me (pulls out pockets Uncle Pennybags style)

HC: Are you here alone?

Ryan: Yeah

HC: Can I stay with you?

Ryan: Sure

HC: (pauses) What do you think I mean?

Ryan: ummm

HC: Can I go upstairs with you?

Ryan: OHH no no no, Im ok, thank you

...HC scurries along nervously

You rule Chicago.

Outside Lands 2008 forreal!

Lets start out with the best part about Outside Lands Festival, despite the $8 bajillion dollars that everyone else spent on their passes to the festival, I got in FREE!
Let that soak in for a second...suckers.

How, you ask?...well, in case I didn't rub it in your face or talk shit already at this point, I got in free using my crazy McGuyver covert mission tactics...walking(on Friday) and running(on Saturday) through the front gates(decided not to sneak in on Sunday, as having to tell people "I got caught sneaking into see Jack Johnson" would be pretty embarrasing--very detrimental to my personal brand yall).

Ill let my ballooning smugness rest for a moment and review some of the people, places and events of the weekend, using a DNC-inspired scale of Bill Clinton's and Michelle Malkin's; Bill Clinton being one of the coolest guys in the world, and Michelle Malkin being, well one of the worst(I hate you Michelle Malkin).
Here goes...
(Michelle Malkin's and Bill Clinton's given out on a scale of 1-5)

Shawn Fadden - 4 Michelle Malkin's: Shawn Fadden will follow Tom Petty tribute band Heavy Petty all over the country, make vacation plans around Heavy Petty shows, and as far as I know, knows the words to every Tom Petty song...even the obscure ones. So you would THINK a 3 day music festival in the city you used to live in, with all your friends, with free places to stay, in Golden Gate Park WITH TOM PETTY HEADLINING would be, ya know, something you'd be into a lil bit. Not Mr. Fadden. Apparently he could take or leave Tom Petty, but Heavy Petty...mark your calendars, Fadden is THERE. You suck Fadden.

Golden Gate Park - 5 Bill Clinton's: you amaze me.

Sound systems - 1 Michelle Malkin: fading in and out on one of stages, and cutting out completely on the main stage for Radiohead and Tom Petty...not gonna let it get me down, but still...come on now.

Lupe Fiasco - 3 Bill Clinton's: dude, Lupe rocks the fuck out! I mean, physically, on stage. Good stuff.

Radiohead - 4 Bill Clinton's: ok ok, so I've made a big deal about not being a Radiohead fan. But their light show ripped, and creeping through the woods of GG Park while Radiohead played live was a pretty amazing experience.

Cake - 2 Bill Clinton's: played all the hits I love from the first two albums, including "Jolene"...but I can't help but feel a little reserved with my feelings for missing Primus. You know what, I was really surprised how good Cake was, so screw it, I don't regret it for a second--3 Bill Clinton's bam!

Parties at the Firehouse - 5 Bill Clinton's: yeeeeahhhh! After looking at everyones pix and seeing hella randoms, do you ever wonder how many people in the world the Firehouse has touched?
ps. I feel sorry for anyone who had to stay there.

Tom Petty - 5 Bill Clinton's: TOM FREAKING PETTY! I will never in my lifetime forget singing "Free Fallin" and "Mary Janes Last Dance" with 50,000 other people.

People bitching about ________(insert: "lines", "muni", "parking", etc.) - 1 Michelle Malkin: STFU

The Food - 1 Bill Clinton: Not terrible and a couple dollars under what I would expect at a festival-type event.

The Bitter End the night before - 2 Bill Clinton's: Raging! However, I couldn't help but feel as though the whole night was missing a certain Davin Affrunti.
Ps. Ben, do you remember almost getting in a fight with some dude at the bar? meh, me either.

Lindsey Baldwin - 5 Bill Clinton's: wow. I don't think anyone had you in their "Most likely to..." pool. Excellent work, were all very proud.
Thats all I got. This weekend ripped hard. Can't wait till next year.

It moved...

Just wanted to give a couple single thoughts on Outside Lands before I seriously culminate everything that was this past weekend.
First, Tom Petty was fan-effing-tastic. Almost brought me to tears listening to free-fallin' this morning outside of the DMV...dont ask
Second, Radiohead; although I wasn't "converted" nor did I have some sort of life altering experience like s many Radiohead slurpers do...to put it in Seinfeldien terms, "it moved."
Ill explain later...and spare the crazy music elitist nonsense.

Floating in Front of my Eyes or Brain

Here is a list of links, pix and videos that have made my last couple days a little more interesting.
I hope you enjoy!
************************************
Is Michael Phelps a douche?
You make the call...

(The last photo is pretty incriminating)
*************************************
Walter Cronkite, Edward R. Murrow, Dan Rather...who does our generation turn to as our most trusted deliverer of news?
I called it approx. 1 year ago

*************************************
Reading an article on espn.com about poor Michael Vick losing all his money reminded me of the glory days of Ron Mexico. Remember this?:
http://www.ronmexico.com/

which then reminded of this...the Ron Mexico name generator!

*************************************
How cool is Joe Biden?

Your next VP?
*************************************
How rad does this show sound...?
(from "the list")

Horseshow Pits, Golden Gate Park, S.F. No School Friday, Gunner, Crimewave, and any other band that shows up a/a 4pm free *** (Thrillfest) (each band plays 3 songs/15 minutes until everyband plays or cops come)
*************************************
The chick for USA Gymnastics -Alicia Sacramone (who lost the gold for team USA gymnastics) knocked some dude out with a wicked left...Im impressed.

Caption Contest!

You win nothing, but its caption contest time!

My entry:

"An unfortunate turn of events for brother, Filthy Sanchez, and his 2008 presidential campaign."

I Don't Like Radiohead

As the much anticipated Outsidelands Festival, to be held in Golden Gate Park in SF, approaches, it seems as though I can't talk to anyone under the age of 35 without be asked, "you goin' to Outsidelands dude?" The city is a'buzz and the weekend everyone has been waiting for is almost here.
However, the 2-3 questions that will inevitably follow will drastically change the mood of the conversation, the general good feeling and could quite possibly change the once ecstatic festival goers opinion of me, Ryan M. Rowe.
What are those 2-3 questions you ask? Well, here's how the rest of the conversation goes:

Giddy Festival Goer: you goin' to Outsidelands dude?

Ryan: Yeah (very slight hint of exasperation)

GFG: Do you know what days you are going?

Ryan: Yeah, Im going to go Saturday

GFG: Duuuuuuuuuuuuude....Friday...Radiohead!?!?

Ryan: meh, Im not that into Radiohead

GFG: WHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????????????? OMFG!!!!!@#*&^_($$#$!!!HOW COULD YOU*&%$#@!

Ryan: Im just not that into them

And thats how a Giddy Festival Goer, maybe a close friend(?), loses respect for my musical taste, and quite possibly even loses respect for my once solid(?) character and values.
Clearly everyone is entitled to their own opinions when it comes to likes and dislikes, but there seems to be a pantheon of bands or artists who are untouchable to matters of opinion and under any circumstance MUST be worshiped like gods; and those who do not bow down shall be shamed for all eternity.
Well, I dont care, I dont care if you call me a terrorist, I will never kow-tow to these bands:

Radiohead - I liked "Creep", but thats about it. I dont really like Thom Yorke's voice and the music just doesnt excite me that much. Just not that into it.

Coldplay - award winner for world's most boring band in my opinion. Without even a close competitor, Coldplay was the most requested music to be played in the office of my last company, proving that they are just slightly more interesting to listen to than Muzak.

U2 - Bono, just leave.

Beastie Boys - Ok, they have catchy songs, but seriously, their rhyme schemes are so predictable and boring I dont understand how anyone could possibly listen to an entire album. Their early punkrock album was interesting and fiery, but everything after "Sabotage" has been unlistenable to me.

Vampire Weekend - Im always very disappointed when a band's name rocks way harder than their actual music. I heard them playing in the background at some yuppie-licious organic soup and salad cafe in the financial district in Philadelphia; which much like being played over the office speakers, is industry proof that Vampire Weekend is just slightly more interesting than Muzak.

Weezer - What happened Weezer? The Blue album was and is an instant classic, nothing more to say, its perfect. Pinkerton, while underappreciated, is awesome and a masterpiece from start to finish. At my friend Adam's bachelor party, the group of us guys drunkenly decided we'd collectively fight anyone that night who spoke poorly of Weezer's Pinkerton. Noone did. Since then? The Green Album, had that "Island in the Sun" song which is a guilty pleasure of mine, but a mediocre album, very disappointing compared to the first two. Everything since? So forgettable that my friend Ben got the latest Red Album for free and after giving it a listen decided "it wouldn't make it on the iPod"--sad.

Green Day - Much like Weezer, soooooooo awesome in their formative years, and, well, my formative years as well. Kerplunk and Insomniac were awesome albums, and Dookie essentially raised me from age 13-15. Since Insomniac, however, they just seem so manufactured to me. American Idiot? guh. Wheres the sophistication? Very unfulfilling to me.

Random Things from Philadelphia

People in Philadelphia are nice! Way nicer than I expected. I have to wonder if the stereotype is all hype or if people of Philadelphia all got together and decided to be nice to the tourists.

The bell kinda sux

Despite my lactose intolerance, I had a Philly Cheesesteak or "steak"...2 of them in fact(on seperate occasions...im not trying to prove anything here)

Philly has the best alleys, not only are they all historical and whatnot with the bricks and cobblestones, but they are definitely prime stooping locations as well

I heard Ben Franklin was player

These people really care a lot about the Eagles

Walking around the city of Philadelphia makes me realize how MANY homeless people there are in San Francisco. Its ridiculous! Totally made me think of that South Park episode where all the homeless people are walking around asking for "chaaaaaaange"...and their solution to get rid of the homeless people is to convince them to move to California by setting up a P.A. system on top of a party bus singing the South Park version of California Love..."California...loves the homeless, Californ-yuh-uh...super cool to the homeleh-ess"

Philly has soul, Ive heard it before, but its true, indescribable, but theres soulfulness to this city...maybe it just seems that way because theres a park that has a giant statue that says "LOVE"

Unlike San Francisco, people seem to put effort into their looks/appearance. Even the fuglies look nice...its kind of refreshing. Idk, maybe its just a difference in style and trends. Either way, I like the "I bathe and like a flattering appearance" look, rather than the "I don't wash my hair and buy my clothes from the homeless dude on 16th and Valencia selling VHS tapes and little league trophies - despite having some sort of income and the ability to live in San Francisco" style that SF is rockin right now

Counterpoint to the above statement: The financial district is waaaaay to stuffy

EVERY food establishment in the city sells cheesesteaks, its ridiculous. Pizza places, burger joints, deli's, WaWa's(the philly version of 7/11), even the high-end steak house - Barclay's Prime serves a Kobe beef cheesesteak...for $100!

Smoke. In. Bars...TONS of it. I literally got a buzz in the 3 minutes I stood at the bar waiting for a drink

Despite James and Lauri's gushing over the 7/11-esque "WaWa's" in Philadelphia - id say they are way overrated. Pretty much just your average am/pm or 7/11 with a deli

The Rocky statue isnt at the top of the stairs. Totally didnt know that. Its at the bottom and to the side of the famous Philadelphia Art Museum steps that Rocky Balboa runs up in the "Rocky" movies

Yeah it was hot as balls, but Philadelphia was a good experience. Go there, run up the stairs, eat a cheesesteak and be happy.

In Philly Yallz

**Note from Ryan: Im back in the PST, but wrote this post in Philadelphia and forgot to publish. A work from the past if you will. Heath Ledger style (too soon?) WWHD! we love you Heath

Im in Philly. I need to leave. 17 days is too long.

Dont take it personal Philly, youve been really cool to me. A lot cooler than expected actually, by far. Its just, I'm tired. And I want to sleep in my own bed. And I don't want to eat restaurant food anymore. I want to have a routine again. I wanna kick it w/tha homiez. I wanna hang out with Baldwin finally. I want to eat fruit. I wanna go to the gym...WTF.

I love buying plane tickets 1 day in advance.

Work Trip - Chicago

As anyone who's been on one before can tell you, work trips blow. And in time-tested fashion, my current trip to Chicago, errr...Berwyn, IL, indeed, blows.
Its hot in herre - 90 degrees with 50% humidity - and for some reason, the stench of sweaty, salty balls is making yearn for a public pool (i dont know, dont ask).

The town im staying in, Oak Park, is just a couple miles from the work location in Berwyn, and about 20 miles outside of Chicago. It's not necessarily a terrible place to be, but there really isn't anything to do outside of eating something, having a beer and making small talk with the bartender who's doing a terrible job of feigning interest.

Since the actual work Im doing happens to be a little sparse, I've taken to "surfing the web" - and I think ive gone through the entire internet. Finished it.
1.0 AND 2.0...guess I'll just wait for 3.0 to come out. Whatever that is, im not too sure. Time travel possibly.

Its not all bad though, the hotel im staying in is across the street from the Ernest Hemingway Museum, and less than a block away from his place of birth, and its been told that Hemingway used to kickit and drink in the little cafe inside the hotel. Thats kinda cool. But alas, the museum is only open from 1pm-5pm. Perfect timing for me NOT to be able to check it out as I hold the fort down in Berwyn.
All in all, the best part so far has been watching people go in and out of the planned parenthood/substance abuse clinic across the street. They go in and come out so sketchy lookin, its kinda fun to make up little stories for each person. Not that I'll ever know if any of it's true, its the best I got for entertainment - Im not here to judge, it just works magicly to pass the time.

Dude, British People...SERIOUSLY!

(post based on an IM conversation with the ever-so-lovely Lindsey Baldwin)

me: i had to watch pride and prejudice last night

Lindsey: ooooooooo

me: and im blaming 100% for it

Lindsey: what?! hes never seen it

me: ok, but his people are responsible
Lindsey: ah yes, very true

Lindsey: most long boring grey stuffy movies do come from those people - english patient, atonement, i could go on. they are all so boring

me: if i was british, i would start a revolution, or a club, or a group... to get rid of those movies

cuz everyone thinks theyre all whiny pussies cuz of them

me: or a blog at least

me: its just bad, bad (mis?)representation...cuz i start to think if everyone who is british is like that...all inbred-y and shrill with tights and high pitched voices

Oh well, at least they gave us English Muffins and The Beatles.

Random side thought: do you think John, Paul and George all got stoned back in the day and joked about who of them would be the last to die and have to hang out with Ringo?

Who the F is Tom Sizemore?

I seriously got made fun of for like 15 mins yesterday because I didn't know who Tom Sizemore was. I mean, he sounds like someone I've heard of, or I should have heard of. So I looked him up, checked out his pic and still - no idea. So yeah, who the F is Tom Sizemore?
He sounds like he should have his own talk show or something...Ie. "Today on the Tom Sizemore show; 'My tween is out of control and I don't know what to do! - Help me Tom!...and now your host - TOM SIZEMORE"

Idk, I heard he did hella drugs and had hooker girlfriends or something, oh well.

...or maybe I'm thinking of Tom Arnold(?)

...I Like to Rock the Party!

The party ripped, 'staches were filthy and all was right with the world.
I wish I had more of a picture to paint for those who werent there, but I drank the paint and don't remember many of the details. So all in all, the party was a success!

Here's a list of things that I do remember happening in no particular order:

• I met a lot of neighbors, however, do not even know what they look like and definitely don't remember names
• Heard that M.I.A song with the guns probably a million times...or at least it felt like it
• We should have had an award of series of awards for best mustache(s)
  
• EVERYONE wanted to smoke me out on our "back patio" that isn't a patio at all and is totally enclosed
• Whoa, theres a party going on out front!
• Neighbor in a robe(and nothing else) asked me to close the windows - not that interesting, but I remember it
  
• Someone complimented me on leaving the good toilet paper out for the party - I replied "well, Im a man who appreciates a soft 2-ply"
  
• That dessert wine (or whatever it was)...terrible idea
• Jello shots with Everclear...EXCELLENT idea
• Pigs in a blanket...even BETTER idea
• Mustaches EVERYWHERE...on people, walls, ceiling, pictures, posters, floors, windows, sidewalk, you get the picture
• It felt like every person I saw I had totally forgotten I invited them, leading to that overexaggerated "OMG" moment
• If you're a 3am party straggler, you need to bring beer or pizza or something. Your "im totally friendly and interested in hearing what you have to say" attitude gets you nowhere at this time

I learned a lot that night; about life and myself. Mostly bad things...

Who likes to rock the party?

Im having a party this coming Friday (6/27) and I'm putting together an Ipod mix to "get the party started"; if you will. I have the music, and access to whatever I want, but I thought I'd look for suggestions from the readers (all 4 of you).

Any jams I absolutely MUST have on the mix?

...oh, its a mustachio bashio if that figures into your equation.

Getting Grown Up

Walking through a haze of hippies, hemp and headshops at the Haight Street Fair; through drum circles, teenage runaways and generic fair booths with pamphlets about sustainability and shit, I managed to do the least expected thing I could possibly think of.
I registered to vote. For the first time. Much to the surprise of the woman asking people to register, apparently. Asking me not once but, twice, "are you sure you're not registered?"
Yes folks, thats right, despite seeming like a person who cares about things - I have never really cared that much about politics to register. Ohhh Ive had plenty of excuses: I don't know where to register? I don't know which county I should register in. I don't make enough money for it to matter. I don't care to vote for a douchebag OR turd sandwich...Like any other 18-25 yr old, I have been full of excuses, and really, full of shit.
Well, despite where you think this blog post may be going, I'm still kinda full of shit, and proving it by BARELY doing what's necessary to be an adult. Case in point, not registering till age 26, and as of the publication of this post - without a drivers license.
Now, I can point to a few things on the floating list of life experiences that would lead one to believe there are some adult-like qualities represented. But seriously, wtf does it mean to be an adult? The government says, reaching the age of 18. Mother nature says, able to make babies. I'm starting to come to the conclusion that the actual qualifier for adulthood is the ability to rationalize kow-towing to the institution for some marginal gain.
Before you begin formulating your "here's why youre wrong/why your logic is flawed" comment to muddle up this little online thought bubble of mine, keep in mind I just spent $20 on a sandwich at lunch and got charged $3.00 for a drink refill...feelin' pretty adult-like.

Best of Ryan Rowe aka Screw Yelp v2.5

Blondies Bar & No Grill
http://blondiesbar.com/
Categories: Dance Clubs, Bars
Neighborhood: Mission

Oh Blondie's, please give me a real reason to go.

You have a moderately amusing slogan..."Bar and No Grill"...worth a half-chuckle.
You specialize in Martini's, which, I suppose is your one highlight. But really, is it worth being surrounded by awkwardness?

Not that im some superman, savior to all women, but I feel like Im always having to save some girl-friend from some random clown hitting on her.
Not to mention, whoever planned the layout of this bar either didn't know what they were doing, or just didn't care. It's like 3 or 4 half-assed ideas thrown together.

Pick up a bottle of E&J Brandy with some friends and post up in an alley...Youll have a better time.

09/06/2007

Birthday Post

It's my Birthday. It's the anniversary of the day I was born. I don't feel special. Nothing of significant importance happened from yesterday to today. I mean, I aged 1/365.25th yesterday, but nothing magical happened at 11:59:59.
Despite my love for the Birthday party when I was younger; cake, ice cream, present's, pinata's and all, I really don't think its appropriate these days...or appropriate for me at least. Even further, I'm DEFINITELY not one those Celebrate-your-damn-birthday-for-six-weeks-straight -even-though-I-know-at-least-two-people-who've-had-Birthdays-in-between...type people.
So world, June 10th is just like any other day for me...except more people tell me to have a great day than usual, which is good I guess...manners are nice and I like a positive attitude.
Birthday or not, I do what I want. If I want a nice dinner, I eat one. If I want to get tanked, I do that. Show up to work an hour late and unshaven...done. Yeah I still have to go to work, but you know what, I've been eyeing that pair of Dunks for a few weeks now and my apartment in the trendy Lower-Haight ain't gonna pay for itself.
So its my birthday, I'm going to do what I feel like, and tomorrow, wake up and do the same. Although this attitude may come off a little poor me'ish or like a passive aggressive cry for attention, seriously, If you do what you want...everyday feels like your birthday.
Kinda reminds me of a Bad Religion song called "Hooray For Me"
"can you imagine, for a second, doing anything
just 'cuz you want to? well, that's just what I do
so hooray for me (and fuck you!)"


So tonight, Im gonna eat me some Brazilian BBQ, go to a punk rock bar and do exactly what I feel like.
Happy Birthday Me!

Something Nice

Everyday; war, crime and curuptness are sensationalized by 24-hour news while reality show trainwrecks run in syndication. Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck and Nancy Grace's soul-less shells eschew hate and propaganda under the guise of "news." Racism, stereotyping and bigotry have their own channel on cable and Hollywood socialite sextape-puppets are worshiped on primetime and checkout line rags. Junk media are absorbed and recycled into watercooler talk and Jay Leno monologues. It's sick.

But every once in a while, something manages to float its way to the top in your daily binge of information slop that isn't completely self-serving or agenda driven. That doesn't perpetuate hate, intolerance and fear. That doesn't tongue the celebrity coochie, and really, just doesn't suck.

Enjoy this, from the Media Curmudgeon on June 1st, a recent favorite piece of writing:

Article Here

"Late at night, the marine layer creeps back in. KNBR’s warbling signal slices through the fog, soaring across the stands of Eucalyptus trees up on the Nipomo Mesa just south of Pismo Beach.

The game is over. Jon Miller has told us another story. Somehow, despite the orchestrated efforts of Major League Baseball, we have been able to wander, once again, back into our necessary past."--Paul Talbot (guest blogger), Media Curmudgeon

Web 5.0!

Ive had some pretty random thoughts over the past week that seem interesting(enough), but haven't inspired enough for a full post. Nevertheless, a great portal into what has run through my head the last week or so.
This is the schizophrenic post.
**************************************************************************************

Ive never done an Evite before, can you embed audio into an evite? geez, this is so embarrassing

Is it Sex IN the City, or Sex AND the City?...Either way, I hope the movie is terrible

Drinking out of those long-skinny Trumer Pils glasses makes me feel like im in science class

Im totally addicted to rating movies on my Netflix account

Other than Miller's Eastcoast West Deli, San Francisco just doesn't get sandwiches

If I was in an actual band, I would absolutely loathe "The Shakeup"

I love the "Readers Poll" in SF Weekly's Best of San Francisco. The best account of what the newbie/novice population thinks is "best" in San Francisco

Bay to Breakers was awesome - too bad I only made it to somewhere around GG Park/Panhandle...not as many naked people as last year either, I think

Finding the "mustache ride" clip from Super Troopers on Youtube is harder than you might think

Although it had its moments that made me cringe, I liked the new Indiana Jones...and what better place to watch than the Castro Theater

Just another example of things I am allowed to do, and noone else: Talking on your cell phone on the bus...is there anything more irritating?

Can anyone think of a better nickname for Giants young ace, Tim Lincecum, other than "The Enchanter"?

How do people manage more than one social networking site?

Ticketmaster - worst service company ever

Despite his $126 million contract, Barry Zito has only one more win than I do this season

I saw some dude wearing a shirt for a Facebook developers conference - not sure thats something I'd be proud of(?), but I guess if dudes put their expertise with Facebook on their resumes, wearing the shirt aint that big of a deal

Updates on the list of things that are not attractive whatsoever: boots with socks worn higher than the top of the boot, those stupid scarfs that are all the sudden popular with hipsters and Kanye West wannabes, gladiator sandals on girls - not attractive, sorry

Welcome Faker Fans

I love competition, I love passion, I love determination, rivalries, will power and all that good stuff that goes along with the pursuit of the ultimate success in athletics. I love sports.
These types of emotions are never better displayed than in any particular sport's tournament for a championship. Seeing a team or a player excel in high-drama and play like a champion is why we are fans. Being able to witness your favorite player hoist his or her index finger in the air with his last bit of strength, proving to the world that there is noone else who may rightfully lay claim to the number one, has got to be the most rewarding feelings in fandom. Although I have never seen any one of my favorite teams hoist a trophy or reach that plateau of champion amongst all, I have come close...and I have definitely been there for the dramatic ride from a season's infancy, into adolescence, adulthood and come oh-so-close to seeing my team wear the crown of kings.
It is impressive that a film has the ability to make viewers feel emotionally attached to characters and storylines in 2.5 hours. Can you imagine being able to capture the levels of emotion attached to following the dramatic story of a team unfold for 8 months?

Well, if you're from Los Angeles, imagining is the best you can do.

In my 25 years I have literally met one real Lakers fan. Someone who watches games prior to April. Someone who can actually name the starting five, not just "Kobe." I mean, there is a lot more that goes into being a "real fan", and I have to assume fan-status can be argued to death, but I think caring before playoffs start and knowing who is actually representing your team is a good place to start. You also see similar lame-ness with the Dodgers, whose fans are notorious for coming an hour late and leaving an hour early, and magically turning into Angels fans when it becomes convenient. Again, in my 25 years, Ive only met one real Dodgers fan.

So as I sit here watching the NBA playoffs - watching Kobe Bryant be more smug and assface-y than the year before, I can't help but think of the Los Angeles fans feigning real emotion. Like the person who never saw the nominated film and only pretended to care when the Oscars came around and lied to everyone that he had seen it just to be accepted and matter. Its sad in a way.

I guess thats the best you can do LA...faking it. And based on most of the people I've met, TV show The Hills, and the Paris Hilton sex tape, you're quite good at faking it.

But screw you. (not you JRands or Uncle Frank)

This Is Your Brain on...Fox News

Since you were probably up at 6:45 this morning and watching "America's Newsroom" on Fox News Channel - I imagine you were wondering...whoa! wait a minute, who's brain was that?
Well worry no longer, that brain, or MRI image of a brain belongs to yours truly.
Although I can't find the story on their site, I imagine they have some sort of fact-room where they are using one of those legal balancing things to make sure everything is, in fact, fair and balanced. And on the floor, in the corner, is the story from this mornings edition of "America's Newsroom" with the picture of my brain. I'll just wait by the mailbox for my check to come *twiddling thumbs*

Thank You SDSU!

You sure did take your time, but thank you for giving these Frat-assholes exactly what they deserve.

In case you hadn't heard, almost 100 people were arrested earlier this week, 75 students, at San Diego State University in an on-campus drug bust. Seized by the cops were 2 kilos of coke, pounds of marijuana, 350 pills of ecstasy, methamphetamine, hash oil, prescription drugs, several guns and $60k in cash. (story on Yahoo! News)

Now, it is really unfortunate, that in all of this there are the fatalities of a young SDSU sorority girl and Mesa College student to remember. So I will try to present my thoughts as respectful as possible. That being said, I am taking great personal joy in (almost) this entire story.
FINALLY the SDSU fraternity system is being exposed for the arrogant, entitled, moronic, thoughtless, asshole criminals they are.
Each and every nugget of information that has been released is almost as hilarious as it is revealing and pitiful. And I am laughing all the way to the perfect-ending bank.

I mean seriously - "Those arrested included a student who was about to receive a criminal justice degree and another who was to receive a master's degree in homeland security." What is this...a Naked Gun movie starring Leslie Nielsen and OJ?
And it only gets funnier...
"A sad commentary is that when one of these individuals was arrested, they inquired as (to) whether or not his arrest and incarceration would have an effect on him becoming a federal law enforcement officer," said Ralph Partridge, special agent in charge of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration in San Diego.
In further reports, federal agents were stunned at how easy of a bust this was. No suspicions, no regard for getting caught, hell, they sent out text messages advertising sales and whereabouts.
On one hand, these SDSU frat boys seem like pretty dumb criminals...because they are. On the other, more accurate hand, they are arrogant pricks who feel the laws don't apply to them and have no regard for anything that gets in the way of coking up 19-yr-old dorm chicks at the frat house.

After 2 years of "F-you...Guy" treatment from the frat boys of SDSU, I feel like these a-holes have finally had their comeuppance.

Cinco de Why-O?

We've all played a drinking games before like "kings cup", "asshole" or "flip cup", and Im sure we've all played with someone who never played before or was unfamiliar with the rules. Totally reasonable, we've all been there. This person will usually have an array of questions, explanations, "this is totally like-s" and often times, excuses. Occasionally you'll get the person who boldly states "I don't know how to play, just tell me when I need to drink." Despite the crudeness, I commend this person for the confidence and willing spirit.
That being said, our drinking game novice has also coined the unofficial motto for Cinco de Mayo.

By now, everyone knows its not REEEEAAAALLLYYY the Mexican independence day, and that Mexicans dont REEEEAAAALLLLLYYY celebrate it. Thats common knowledge.
And just as a side note: don't be that guy. You know, the guy who feels the need to let everyone else in on his advanced cultural knowledge by explaining how Mexicans don't REEEEAAAALLLLYYY celebrate Cinco de Mayo. But alas, every Cinco de Mayo, that guy will inevitably speak up and make sure everyone is informed on the ways of the Mexican people. You suck.

So before I get sidetracked...further, let me ask...if it is so overwhelmingly apparent that the Fifth of May is a "Just tell me when to drink" holiday, why is our knee-jerk reaction to rush to the nearest Chevy's to drink Cuervo margaritas and Corona's?
Seriously. Cuervo and Corona are enough to deter me from wanting drink at all, let alone beverages I would choose to celebrate with.
If were basically choosing an arbitrary "holiday" to pour alcoholic beverages down our gullets, shouldn't we aspire for better?
Unless the logic is "faux holiday...faux Mexican food and beverages"--then I guess it all actually makes sense.

To me, its just a day. And I hate Chevy's and Cuervo.

So how did I celebrate my Cinco de Mayo you ask?

I had a warm Tecate and a homemade soycheese quesadilla with Taco Bell sauce...so good.



**Cinco de Mayo Fact: I had my wallet stolen from my gym locker yesterday - lame.

Best of Ryan Rowe aka Screw Yelp v2.4

Bar None

http://www.barnonesf.com/
Category: Bars
Neighborhood: Marina/Cow Hollow

This place is a PG-13 frat party.
Now what about that sentence sounds cool or appealing?
You make the call.

For me...
I can do PG-13 dinners, I can do PG-13 picnics, I can do PG-13 bowling.
I can even do frat parties...if they were, say NC-17ish.
But PG-13 is so...safe. So...boring.

There is something just generally cheezy feeling about Bar None...Its like you're in an "American Pie" movie that hasn't come out yet, with no original actors, straight to DVD.

08/31/2007

(Las) Vegas

Vegas is great.
For 3 days and 2 nights, hedonism is religion. Well, to be perfectly honest, that 3rd day is hardly hedonistic, unless you consider headaches, sleep deprivation, nausea, exhaustion and hunger a good time, but hey, to each his own.
...but those first 2 days and nights, watch out!--you know, if you have money that is.
I stayed at the finest hotels, ate the finest meals at the finest restaurants, partied at the finest clubs, and gambled...well, at the $10 tables and 25cent slots. Nevertheless, I started to think how different Vegas was as a 25-yr-old, compared to the Vegas I experienced as a 19-yr-old.

Let's take a look:

19-yr-old Ryan drove to Vegas from Sacramento in a Hyundai with 3 other dudes in the car, broke down once, taking 12 hours to get there.
25-yr-old Ryan flew to Vegas for free, from San Francisco, comfortably in a little over an hour.

19-yr-old Ryan stayed off the strip at a budget hotel walking distance to a Jack-in-the -Box and an old Lyon's that had been converted into a mini casino.
25-yr-old Ryan stayed on the 14th floor of the MGM Grand for free, walking distance to the strip,New York-New York and Paris.

19-yr-old Ryan actually walked.
25-yr-old Ryan takes cabs and limos.

19-yr-old Ryan goes to the Stratosphere because his friend Justin's mom has a lounge gig that night.
25-yr-old Ryan parties at the exclusive, membership-only Foundation Room on the top floor of Mandalay Bay because a friend works for House of Blues Corporate and can "hook it up".

19-yr-old Ryan drinks 79 cent Steel Reserve tall-boys from the AM/PM out of his buddy Justin's mom's minivan.
25-yr-old Ryan drinks exotic liquor and top shelf vodka in clubs at luxurious casinos.

19-yr-old Ryan eats at the Jack-in-the-Box across the street and gambles at the Lyon's that was converted into a casino in his flip flops, t-shirt and cargo shorts.
25-yr-old Ryan eats at Daniel Boulud at the Wynn and gambles in the Venetian in his brand new suit and shined shoes.

Thats right bitches...new suit.

Funny how life as a 25-yr-old seems so much more cushy than life as a 19-yr-old, yet all that stuff I did as a 19-yr-old still seems so appealing. I always knew I was a 19-yr-old, trapped in a 25-yr-old body, this confirms it. I am, however, left with some questions...Is this a sliding scale (when I'm 30 will I find my days as a 25-yr-old appealing?) or will I perpetually be 19? When will my age catch up with me?...or will it?