Thursday, February 28, 2008

"Hey, Sorry About the Mustache"

In case you haven't seen me in the last four weeks or so, I'm going to let you in on a little secret:
I'm growing a beard.

Not only am I growing a beard, I'm actually in the middle of a beard-growing contest. Serious business.
Before I go any further, I reallly should give a little background on my personal beard growing history and escapades so you may better understand my current situation.
For reasons unknown to myself, I get uncontrollable urges to grow facial hair when I travel away from home for lengths of time. Maybe its the desire to create an alternate reality for myself, maybe I'm unhinging myself from the restrictions imposed on me by "the man," or maybe I'm just lazy. Whatever it may be, I found myself in Manhattan for 11 days a few weeks back and could not control myself from the desire to grow a beard. Not just any beard, a "NY Beard." Thats right, it has a proper name. "NY Beard" is very similar to "DR Beard" - the beard I grew while on business in the Dominican Republic almost exactly one year ago, in fact, the major difference being the influence of Reggaeton on "DR Beard".
Prior beards have been short-lived beyond their return to the motherland due to cultural differences and the unwillingness to assimilate into the local population. However, "NY Beard" arrived in San Francisco to an overwhelmingly welcome reception, celebrated, complimented and even praised. So I have to wonder...why is "NY Beard" so popular now, compared to "DR Beard"? - which was so ridiculed and exiled into hiding.
Well, the answer might be explained in a Feb. 7th TIME Magazine article titled "The Beard Brigade".

According to Allan Peterkin, Pogonologist (a.k.a. beard scholar) and author of One Thousand Beards - "Beards are back...It is an act of rebellion. Men are trying to prove that they are no corporate slave."

Now I'm no Pogonologist, but I believe every beard and piece of facial hair his its own unique story, similar to "NY Beard" and "DR Beard". Don't apologize for your mustache sir, be proud and celebrate its rich cultural history.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Best of Ryan Rowe aka Screw Yelp v2.1

Lexington Club

Category: Lesbian Bar

Neighborhood: The Mission

Club Lexington is definitely not the most welcoming place for a straight dude. Be prepared for dirty looks, service without the smile, possible elbows and overall impoliteness.
You are there with a lesbian.

I was there to meet my cousin, a girl who likes girls, and received all of the above treatment. Scowls from across the room, less than awesome service, etc.
Then I found my cousin and my night took a drastic turn for the better. She grabbed me by the arm and introduced me to what felt like everyone in the bar, including the bartender, and I was immediately allowed to party with the cool kids.
Interesting how all it takes is one member of the "in crowd" to let everyone else know that you're OK and with that comes instant acceptance.
Enough said, I had a great time. I think about that night every time I pass the Lexington Club now.
Thanks Lani, you're the best!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

"Your List"

During a hazy, wine-induced stupor I found myself in casual conversation with a newlywed couple not about love, the excitement of starting a family, or even the joys of a monogamous relationship. No.
We were comparing lists.
Apparently, at some point in the lifespan of this relationship, it had become important-or funny enough to compile a list of celebrities, ignoring all marital vows, husband and wife would be allowed to sleep with should the situation arise.
The rules were as follows:
  1. You are only allowed 5 on your list
  2. You can substitute members on your list - but must explicit with the transaction
  3. Must be a publicly known figure - can't be the guy in accounting
  4. One time only - can't be a recurring "thing"
  5. Must tell the other as soon as it is appropriate - not 3 years down the road as ammunition in a fight, this is supposed to be fun!

I thought this was a pretty funny idea for a couple, kind of like a Fantasy League-"Who would you rather Do."

I think my list would look something like this(in no particular order):
  • Lilly Allen
  • Hayden Panatierre(sp?)
  • Lucy Liu
  • Stacey Dash
  • (Hot) Marge Simpson

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Speaking of Hypocrisy...

Ever say to yourself "I will never do THAT again"?
Well, as humans and free-thinkers we should all say that now and again...its called growth through experience, err something.
"Ill never eat THERE again"
"Ill never drink THAT much again"
"Ill never go THERE again"
"Ill never believe THAT again"
"Ill never buy THAT again"
All perfect examples of things we learn through experience that would seemingly make us better off in life.
Whether its ignorance, hypocrisy, forgetfulness or a learning disability, sometimes I'm just a dummy.
Fact is, I've been back to Del Taco(many times), been stupidly drunk within 24 hours of hugging a toilet swearing "id never drink again", been back to Reno, fallen for that same guy's psych-out voicemail message (you know, the one where the voicemail message starts out with the person saying "hello....uh huh, uh not here right now but please leave a message" etc. - ps. fuck you. Guy.), AND I just bought another Dell.

This behavior pattern provokes an interesting thought: is it more valuable to learn an immediate lesson and apply that lesson moving forward, or to recognize that you yourself don't actually learn a whole lot from immediate lessons. Or is it that despite the lesson, you are always prone to make an exception or ignore what you know to be true.

idk, Keeping Up with the Kardashians is on E!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Valentine's Day

Im a vain, fickle, trendy, self-absorbed person.
I buy unnecessary things. I waste. I do things that benefit only me. I don't really do much to save the environment. I operate on my own time schedule. I belittle others unnecessarily. I over exaggerate. I spit. I cuss. I have uncomfortable and inappropriate conversations in public places. I commit to doing things I know I won't do, then make up an excuse why I can't go at the last minute. I judge everything and everyone. Ive never voted for anything that wasn't online and didn't give immediate results in bar-graph form. I eat animals and wear their skin. Im hypocritical. Im arrogant and pretend to be humble when there may be something to gain. I let my voicemail inbox fill up on purpose so I don't ever have to check voicemails. I lie to bums. I pee in public. I make rude gestures towards cops at convenient distances. I rifle through my roommates food when they're not around. I take the low road. I ride a high horse. (and this is just the pg-13 list!)

Why is all of this behavior ok? I don't know. Its not, really. I don't even remember what the point of those post was supposed to be.
Oh yeah, Valentine's Day...totally not worth it.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Best of Ryan Rowe aka Screw Yelp v2.0

Forever 21

Categories: Clothing, Womens Clothing

Neighborhoods: Union Square, Civic Center/Tenderloin

**FOR (straight)DUDES ONLY**

There are sooo many good looking girls in this store its baffling.

Taking my little sister shopping for her b-day, I seriously walked around blankly and aimlessly for about 15 minutes, I guess, Im not sure, time stopped. I just wasn't ready for this. Mentally or physically...I mean, if you don't get at least 3 cardio workouts in a week, you may not have the stamina for this place.

Countless beautiful women everywhere checking themselves out in mirrors--cupping, squeezing, positioning, adjusting...if they served beer and had some football on, Forever 21 would be heaven.

I don't know what, if any, type of game would work in a place like this...but if you think you got it, it better be your A game.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Why I hate hipsters (volume 1 of 25)

First off, Id just like to get it out of the way that work-travel is a far better idea in concept than in actuality. I suppose working your ass off is a given, but being away from home, sleeping in an uncomfortable bed, away from friends and loved ones with only more work and a cup of coffee to look forward to the next day - "going away on business" sucks.
But if you gotta do it, its hard to beat New York.

My standard day looked something like this:
8:30am - wake up to annoying techno song phone alarm
8:55am - walk to work
9:05am - grab coffee
9:06am - work
Noon - lunch
1:00pm - work
9:00pm - leave office
At this time, after working a 12 hour day, with no breaks, about all I had in me was enough energy to walk to a restaurant in my ravenous state, eat an amazing meal and have a few glasses of wine.
This brings me to about 10:30pm. Tired, mini-buzz and ready to pass out.
Part of my routine was to stop by the corner 24 hr. cafe on my block and pick up a water bottle and a snack of some sort before I headed up to my room. Which brings me to my story.

So on this particular night I came in with a sweet tooth and knew I had to have the brownies I had been eyeing all week. I grabbed my water bottle first, as that was a constant, then walked over to the brownies and scoured them over looking for the thickest, fattest, nuttiest one. 5 minutes or so into brownie analyzation and speculation, this squirrely-lookin dude bursts through the door with a New York Times folded under his right arm and coffee thermos in his left. As he nervously wanders about the front of the store I noticed his high-water pants, thrift store shoes that dont look like they fit and had the same thought run through my head every time I see one of these guys..."who is this hipster fuck?"
To go along with the pants and shoes, he wore brown silk shirt with a leather vest, and to top it all off, he had one of those Ferdinand Magellan mustache-goatee combos. I AM one to judge, so I was instantly annoyed, but more in the way that you hope ugly chicks talking on their cell phones while driving get in accidents. So I watched, and waited.
Instead of doing something normal, halfway decent or using a shred of common decency, this hipster Dood walked skiddishly over to the coffee station, filled up his thermos and began to walk out. When the old man behind the counter started shouting "hey, you have to pay!"-this fucking guy walks closer to the counter, reaches into his pockets and says "I dont have any money" with a 'I dont know what the fuck you want me to do' look on his face.
So the owner has no choice but to let him walk out and gives one of those indian looking at a landfill looks.
Just terrible.

My buddy Hot Carl once said something to me when I first moved back to SF from San Diego after lamenting how hipsters pissed me off: "Hey, at least they're better than Bro's"
Well at least theres that.

Restaurants that I ate at in NYC:
En Japanese Brasserie(japanese) -
Blue Smoke(bbq) -
In Vino(italian) - in-vino-new-york
Serafina(italian) -
Duke's(neu american) -
PS450(neu american) -
ESPN Zone(bar food) -
Great Jones Cafe(cajun/creole) -
Taco Bell Express(amazingness) -

Friday, February 1, 2008

Hi Rez Phone Pix from NYC

So apparently I was under the impression that the camera on my phone was semi-decent. Not awesome, not high quality, but you know, viewable, and able to reflect proper light and whatnot. I mean, it looks nice on the screen and everything. Damn things not always being as nice as they appear!

Well, below is a smattering of Manhattan through the lens of my cameraphone, or phonecamera. Enjoy.