Monday, December 22, 2008

New Rules for 2009

I often find that when I get an idea or have a story to tell, I'll take forever to state facts, dance around the main points and wander through references and metaphors like Dennis Miller with a lower SAT score.
So in 2009 I'm going to try and be a little more succinct and get to the point with some sort of efficiency.
However, in return, I'm going to need the following buzzwords, phrases and sayings to no longer exist...or at least have usage reduced by 35-40%.

"throw _____(me, you, him, her) under the bus" - there is no reason that lame management-speak should enter our vocabularies

"douchebag", "d-bag", or any iteration of "douche" - so cliche and overused I forget that its actually a device used to clean the post-coitus vaginal cavity, which is the actual definition of cliche`

saying "I heart _________(something)" - we all get the joke, its not that funny, no longer cute and definitely no longer original

referring to an older woman as a "cougar" - when my mother who lives in Sacramento thinks its cool to throw this word around, its lost any amount of worth it may have had, even worse, when a woman refers to herself as a "cougar"...gross

using the word(its actually an adverb) "fundamentally" before describing something - this reached unbearable levels during the presidential race, so hopefully it will see a natural 40% dropoff, but seriously, this isn't Scrabble, you don't get bonus points just because its a big word and saying "fundamentally" doesn't make you sound smarter when you say it before EVERYTHING

saying "I just threw up a little in my mouth" - a surprising funny line from a very unfunny movie. Way to go unoriginal, unfunny people, you killed this one

Any other ideas for the 2009 compost pile?

Monday, December 15, 2008


So in talking with a friend a few weeks ago about things such as world news, politics and the economy; the topic of certain sexual exploits arose within our freakishly witty and insightful banter. More specifically, contemporary dating rituals and the escalation of affection between two anxious canoodlers. The conversation did not get far before I realized, my friend and I were not in clear understanding of what I would like to call...
The Definitions of Love (said in sexy Barry White voice).
So for greater societal good, let's go ahead and clear this up once and for all.

1st Base - Kissing on the lips, non-gratuitous making out, physical embrace

2nd Base - 1st base + light touching of erogenous zones

3rd Base - 1st & 2nd base + oral stimulation

Home Run - Fornication

Now, I realize the bulk of the confusion comes in the baserunning technique and aggressiveness on the base path. There is huge difference between trotting up to 1st base with a single and rounding the bag and making an aggressive move toward 2nd, and I don't think I need to explain why.
God bless...Baseball, what a beautiful game.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Is there anything more satisfying than Robitussin? It soothes and remedies all your cough, cold and flu symptoms. It's awesome.
It has Acetaminophen. It's a pain reliever/fever reducer, antihistamine, cough suppressant and nasal decongestant. (What are histamines anyways? Who knows. But you bet your ass Robitussin is Anti-histamines)
Its even awesome to say..."Got me some TUSSIN"
"Rub some TUSSIN on it"
Try it.

In fact, I can't think of a single consumable product more satisfying than Robitussin.
Pizza? Maybe; although often unreliable and inconsistent(not to mention the occasional heartburn or gas).
Beer? Less consistent than pizza, and often leads to poor life-decisions.
Vitamins are alright, but not all that satisfying, and you really don't get the results as swiftly as you do with some Tussin.
Cranberry juice? Pretty satisfying; but its more of an instant gratification than a gift that keeps on giving all through the night, only to wake up feeling healthy and well-rested. Nope, Cranberry juice is just no Tussin.

Now, I know what youre thinking, and believe me, I've already thought of it. But even sex is not as satisfying as Robitussin. Much like pizza, sex can be inconsistent and unreliable. And unlike both sex and pizza, Robitussin never leaves you waking the next morning feeling dissappointed and ashamed.

Who am I kidding, being sick sucks. These are clearly the types of thoughts and rationalizations you start having when you've been sick for 5 days. But I suppose that is the beauty of Tussin, tomorrow will be a better day.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

All I Want for Christmas

I fuggin' hate the holidays. But I'm kind of in the list-making mood. So below is my Scrooge McDuck, Bah Humbug, poor me, 2008 Christmas list. So if you need an idea of what to get me, refer to the list below.

All I want for Christmas is:
  • A job
  • A paycheck
  • Health Insurance
  • A place to live (preferably with a bed)
  • A goddamn unemployment check
  • A car
  • A freakin interview, anywhere
  • A couch
  • A plan
  • An Evite to something NOT on the only day this entire month I already have something planned
  • A cuddle buddy...apparently

Monday, December 1, 2008

People I am Oddly Attracted to...

...Or, more appropriately titled: Women I am Oddly Attracted to. And I don't mean "Pam" from The Office or Sara Palin, because everyone thinks they're hot. This is an ode to the little-known, under-appreciated, and in no way categorized as "hot" by any magazine, tv show or celeb-obsessed tv networks.
Without further ado, the list is as follows (in no particular order, and in no way complete):

Jena Malone - aka, the chick from Donnie Darko...and shes from Tahoe, which I guess is kinda cool, I guess.

Michelle Obama - aka, "first lady elect"...I don't know if this technically qualifies as an odd attraction, many would argue that the future first lady is straight-up hot. I am one of those people.

Mary Elizabeth Ellis - aka, "the waitress" from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia...who a) is actually married to "Charlie" from the show, and b) thats all.

Ann Coulter - aka, "one of the most terrible people on earth"...believe me, I don't feel good about this, but I owe you the truth.

M.I.A - aka, "the girl who sings that gun song"...I can't believe no one had thought of doing the two different color lips thing that she did on the cover of Spin Magazine. Hot.

Michelle Malkin - aka, Fox News Channel's token minority...Similar heinousness Ann Coulter, minus the KKK aura Ann Coulter seems to emit. I wonder if I should be concerned with myself.

Kristen Schal - aka, "Mel" from The Flight of the Conchords...this ones kind of a stretch, but i suppose it fits in the spirit of the post