Monday, September 29, 2008

So Sad

Sorrow, pain, hurt, pity, worthlessness, self-loathing, empty. All feelings swirling in my head and stomach after realizing Saturday that my favorite band had been in town, and I totally missed it. There ARE, of course, varying degrees of these feelings. For instance, if you missed your favorite band 'this time', but you know they always play in ___________(your city), then its all good, you'll just seem them next time. Or if you missed your favorite band, but their new album kinda sux and its all __________ (type of lame fan/follower) at the shows anyways, then maybe you wouldn't be too bummed. But I missed my favorite band last weekend. I knew they were coming. And to pour lemon juice on my wounded soul, I had to drive RIGHT past the giant billboard on Market Street which read; "RANCID". Painful.
Watching all those fans waiting, loitering, outside the Warfield was like having to watch an orgy up close in person, but not getting to participate, and no slurpee. And then to go all GG Allin on my open wounds, Punk Rock Carlos calls me clearly holding his phone up at the show--leaving me to listen to that agonizing weird jumble of underwater concert noise filtered through two cell phones.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Im Boring

My life has been pretty boring lately. I think my status as a "C-List Baller" has slipped down the alphabet a little to D-List, possibly D minus-List.
People ask..."whats new man?" or "what have you been up to?"...because it gets a cheap laugh, my response is, "workin' and jerkin'!"
Which is actually about as close to the truth as you can get.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Didnt Want to do This but...

Sorry, sorry...I know you're just as sick as I am of all this Sarah Palin jibber-jabber thats been flooding our airwaves over the last couple weeks, but this is funny(again, sincerest apologies)

Stay classy Hot-Lanta!

Monday, September 8, 2008

New Rule...

Here is a new segment I'd like to introduce to you called "New Rule...".
It will contain one or more "rules" I deem necessary to progress as a nation and avoid the Orange County-fication of our culture and society.
No law-making here, leave that to the people who actually know what they're doing..or should know what they're doing. These are rules that shall be implemented (once I think of enough), when and if I am ever King of America.
Without further ado;

New Rule...
1) You may only play a doctor in prescription drug commercials IF you are actually a doctor.

2) You may only say you have herpes in a prescription drug commercial IF you actually have herpes.

That is all for now.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The REAL Chicago

Keeping with the work-trip tradition of posting while traveling from city to city, I thought I'd kick this one off by proclaiming Chicago the raddest town in America.
I know, I know, youre thinking - "why Ryan, what an unsubstantiated claim you make regarding the overall likability of one city over another"
Well here's why Chicago rules: within 3 hours of getting off my plane I devoured one of the best slabs of ribs I've ever had in my life at The Weber Grill Restaurant and was solicited for sex outside my hotel by what I have to assume was a homeless crackhead(woman).

Heres how the convo went...

Homeless Crackhead: Can you help me out with some change?

Ryan: Sorry, I don't have anything on me (pulls out pockets Uncle Pennybags style)

HC: Are you here alone?

Ryan: Yeah

HC: Can I stay with you?

Ryan: Sure

HC: (pauses) What do you think I mean?

Ryan: ummm

HC: Can I go upstairs with you?

Ryan: OHH no no no, Im ok, thank you

...HC scurries along nervously

You rule Chicago.