Friday, March 28, 2008

Thanks Mom

From an article I found on MSNBC written Tues., March 11, 2008:

1 in 4 teen girls has sexually transmitted disease

"In the first study of its kind, researchers at the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found at least one in 4 teenage American girls has a sexually transmitted disease."

From a conversation I had with my mom approximately September 1994:

My mom:

"you better watch out for girls Ryan, they are sneaky and will try to get pregnant on purpose so you'll marry them and pay for everything"

"K mom...geez"

Best of Ryan Rowe aka Screw Yelp vol 2.2

Hemlock Tavern

Categories: Bars, Music Venues
Neighborhood: Nob Hill

This is where the hipster crowd goes when they leave the mission. Messenger bags, track bikes, "eccentric" clothes and all.

Hipsters are mean to me.

I dont have a messenger bag, track bike or "eccentric" clothes. I look more like a pretty boy or a jock...or something in between.

Oh well, I like Hemlock Tavern. I like beer, I love punk rock and sometimes I like feisty hipster chicks.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Master Cleanse Diary - Day 2

...and now the dramatic conclusion to the Master Cleanse Diary (day 2 of 2).

7:30am - Wake up. I just slept for 14 hours, and I didn't have a single alcoholic beverage the night before. Looking back, just one of the many red flags I ignored over the course of less than 48 hours.

8:15 - Im supposed to do that damn saltwater flush again. Thats not gonna happen. I mean seriously, is there a worse breakfast out there?

8:30 - Im on the bus, and I feel like a moron. Yes, because of the dumbass diet. But at this particular moment, its because I have this dumb looking thermos with me filled with the shake, and although Im sure noone on the bus knows Im doing this stupid diet, I feel like everyone looks at me and thinks "I wonder whats in that thermos? Looks like pee. I wonder if that guy is doing that dumb 'Master Cleanse' diet."

9:30 - Coffee smells so good right now. Again, no coffee.
*Side note: I know Im addicted, this wasn't a revelation I was making, more of a solid reaffirmation.

10:00 - First shake of the day. Just as bad as the day before. However, after going home the night before and seeing what an actual teaspoon looks like, I have come to the conclusion that I need to lighten up on the cayenne. I mean, I knew that, but now I have a better idea of what 1/10 of a teaspoon should look like, rather than doing what I did the first day. Yes, you guessed it, I took a spoonful of cayenne pepper(the small spoon, not the big one), dumped the cayenne on a cutting board and proceeded to chop up 10 even lines of cayenne....the best way I could think of dividing such a small amount of such a dry, powdery substance.

11:00 - I can't help but scowl. Even at things I find funny and interesting.
scowl scowl scowl.

11:15 - My first REAL "movement"! Pretty interesting. The color is not, umm, normal, but I suppose that is to be expected. I mean, that IS kinda the point of this whole thing...expelling abnormal toxins from my body. So score one for the Master Cleanse diet...I guess.

12noon - Lunch...err, lemonaid shake. At least its nice outside. I've decided to read during lunch while the normal people eat. It actually works. This reading thing is actually pretty good at keeping me distracted. But this makes me think...people will tell you when a movie sucked, or a restaurant sucked or when a concert sucked, but whenever you ask someone about the book they're reading, its always "soooo good". I dont buy it. People get so smug when they feel like they're going to get a chance to culturally one-up another.
Nevertheless, the book im reading kinda sucks.

1:20pm - Lunch went a little bit long.

2:05 - Shake. Absolute ass.

3:00 - I started listening to my coworker's mp3's on Myspace. He calls it "ambient-electronic-synthpop"...which just sounds like something I'd hate, but its actually pretty good, really cool samples and its really soothing. Interesting place that myspace.

4:00 - If there was a ever a time this ass-tastic shake started to get bearable, this would be the one.

4:15 - I would like to take this moment to recognize the fact that I have had a headache since the beginning. It's really only got worse.

5:00 - I want off.

5:30 - After consulting with a friend, I'm officially done with the Master Cleanse. Really not a tough decision. Actually one of the easier calls I've had to make in my life.
Now for the fun do I "come off" the diet? Again, the blogs and hypochondriac websites suggest raw veggies, soup...that sorta thing. I want BBQ.

6:00 - STRAIGHT to Safeway.

6:35 - I thought against BBQ. I've been "backed up" before. It sucks. Worse than, well, what I got now. And seriously, calling in sick, or saying that you'll be late due to constipation is VERY high up there on the "awkward reasons to call in sick to work" list.

7:00 - I never thought a spinach, red-onion, tomato salad...with hummus on the side, would be so good.

7:15 - Time to reflect.

7:16 - That sucked balls. Easy enough.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Master Cleanse Diary - Day 1

In an effort to quell some health concerns, particularly in the intestinal region, I had been kicking around the idea to temporarily try out a new diet. I know that sounds kinda "OMG, Im soooooo fuck-king fat" - but I've heard that this diet, known as The Master Cleanse (made famous by Beyonce) , works miracles for digestion and overall wellness-and I like to take on little challenges like this to spite mostly fabricated nay sayers.
Problem is, what I hear is not always accurate, and challenging people who do not actually exist is kinda crazy. Nevertheless, I thought I'd indulge craziness and give it a whirl.
The Master Cleanse Diet:
(to be consumed 6-10 times per day for 7-10 days)
  • 8 oz water
  • 2 tbsp organic lemon juice
  • 2 tbsp grade B maple syrup
  • 1/10 tsp cayenne pepper
Day 1
8:30am - Salt water cleanse. As recommended by the various websites, faux health gurus, message boards and blogs, I drank 2 pints of warm salt water to "flush out" my system.

9:15am - Brew up some "smooth move" tea, recommended for daily consumption with the diet...helps digestion, cleansing, and well, things 'move'-ing smoothly.

9:50am - Working diligently, or , reading the Onion, I notice, nothings' flushed, or moved, or whatever. Maybe its the lack of coffee (you know what I'm talking about), or maybe some anxiety, but I'm pretty much like clockwork around this time, and you know what, it's rather enjoyable, so I'm a little bummed to be quite honest.

10:00am - My first "shake" as I'll call them. Terrible. I knew I was going to have to chug this concoction, and I was actually surprised at how decent its initial burst of flavor was. Makes sense, lemon juice, syrup....lemonaide! But god damn that cayenne pepper. Only because I've actually had the misfortune of partaking, but it was like an 8oz shot or burst of straight Absolut Peppar. Try it. And make sure your people are there to see it. I dare you!

10:02am - Dragon breath.

11:01am - Usually pretty pumped at the thought of lunch being less than an hour away, I'm surprisingly satisfied.

12noon - Second shake of the day. Still really bad. I don't really see myself getting used this. And similar too most bad shots of liquor, I'm burping up cayenne pepper.

12:05pm - WATER!

12:15pm - Get some vitamin D, throw the pigskin around in the park. Not very interesting, but its the truth. This is what I did. Like the blog states...This is the life of a C-List baller. Sometimes shit just ain't that exciting.

1:10pm - I have a headache. Not the "back of the eyeball" kind I usually get, more of a slowly tightening vice clamp. Rad.

1:22pm - It's St. Patties Day. James says "Kennedy's", I say, Ibuprofen.

2:00pm - Third shake. This really sucks.

2:02pm - Water, water, water.

3:00pm - My head is KILLING me. Everything pisses me off, AND its a Monday. Worst part is, this is all pretty much self-inflicted. Way to be Ryan, don't listen to what other people say, I think you're a smart guy.

4:00pm - Fourth shake. Still really bad...and the worst part of this diet is this is what I have to look forward to...sugar-water-pepper assblast.

4:15pm - Head-in-hands.

4:30pm - Am I dizzy? Don't be such a pussy, it's only the first day!

5:00pm - Tommy's coming to the city. Why does it seem like every time I decide to do one of these personal challenges, some potentially fun or jovial holiday pops up? Oh well.

5:15pm - My head hurts, I'm getting dizzy, I'm HUNGRY...ain't doin' shit tonight.

5:20pm - Bus. I hate people. Sadly, this has nothing to do with the diet. Just another day on SF's Muni.

5:35pm - Home.

5:37pm - Last shake before bed. Fucking finally.

5:39pm - Bed.

This is a bad idea.
I better be able to blend up Brie cheese milk shakes when this is all over...or at least have some sort of vision quest to show for it.
Im not happy.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Totally Missed the Boat

On average, Id say I have a new "get rich quick" scheme every other week. Not always totally sober when I get these million dollar ideas, and not always quite sure if some other cocky, coffee-addict with cloudy vision already thought of "it"...nevertheless, the entrepreneurial spirit lives within me.
Thats why the latest political scandal stings extra bad.
As you already know, as anyone with the interweb should, Governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer admitted this week to soliciting a prostitute by the name of Ashley Alexander Dupre. Spending $80,000 on goods and services from Ms. Dupre over several years.
Although the headline "Politician Participates in Extra-Marital Sex" is probably not going to surprise anyone, it does become an issue when said horny politician is known for being a moral crusader and a supposed good-guy.
Still, only mildly wowed by the story until I caught a glimpse of our lady of the night, only to realize shes actually, really, pretty.
Now, I dont really know what the rest of the country thinks, Ill have to ask my political go-to-guy, and fellow co-worker Brad for that bit of insight, but my first thoughts were not on the political, social or moral/ethical implications, nope. Like I said, I have the entrepreneurial bug, I have dollar signs in my eyes, baby!
Who's this girls agent? My guess is she probably hasn't invested her 80k or started a nest egg...Ashley Alexander, Ill work on a contingency basis, I don't get paid till you do. We'll do Oprah, Montel, Tyra, The View...tell your story to the world girl! Do I hear a 'shot at love with Ashley Alexander Dupre'?...we'll call it "Hooker with a Heart of Gold." I already have a meeting with E! Channel and Fox. The TV Guide channel wants to give you your own show. Your Myspace Music site already has 3.3 million plays 3.3 MILLION PLAYS!
Wow...looks like you've already gotten started without me.
Welp, theres always next week.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Classy guy, Ludacris. Classy guy.

I found this map, which documents the area codes in which the rapper Ludacris claims to have "ho's". The site is Strangemaps. The conclusions to be made are below:
  • Ludacris heavily favors the East Coast to the West, save for Seattle, San Francisco, Sacramento, and Las Vegas.
  • Ludacris travels frequently along the Boswash corridor.
  • There is a ‘ho belt‘ phenomenon nearly synonymous with the ‘Bible Belt’.
  • Ludacris has hoes in the entire state of Maryland.
  • Ludacris has a disproportionate ho-zone in rural Nebraska. He might favor white women as much as he does black women, or perhaps, girls who farm.
  • Ludacris’s ideal ‘ho-highway’ would be I-95.
  • Ludacris has hoes in the Midway and Wake Islands. Only scientists are allowed to inhabit the Midway Islands, and only military personnel may inhabit the Wake Islands. Draw your own conclusion.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

The Race Post

Someone said something racist to me today.

Totally not ready for it, and I really don't know how to feel about it.
Fact is, I'm not even sure how racist it really was. Nonetheless, something was said.
We weren't in confidence and it wasn't one of those "look over your shoulder, make sure no one is around" type conversations (the difference being blatant ignorance vs. calculated commentary, of which neither is any better than the other).
We definitely don't know each other that well at all, but I'm sure to see this person again.
Yet out of the blue, this person said something offensive about Mexican people.
I'm going to totally assume that this person didn't know I'm part Mexican, hell, I'm the least Mexican, Mexican...probably ever. I mean, for kicks I'll ask acquaintances what they think my ethnicity is and the responses I get usually look something like this:
  1. Italian
  2. Greek
  3. Iranian
But that doesn't mean I'm not proud of Mexican people or feel it's OK to continuously shit on them. And boy do Mexicans get shat on.
You never hear "those white guys were so dirty" or "drunk white people are gross," but substitute "white" for "black" or "mexican" and all the sudden it sounds like something you've heard before.
Now I'm sure there are people who have made careers on their theories of why this is. I believe it is the direct effect or at the very least, a symptom of institutionalized racism. Why Bandaids have their peachy color, why crayola had a pink-ish "Flesh" color until 1962, literally called FLESH on the label, and "Indian Red" until 1999. Peachy-white is so normal, everyday, made for the masses...anything else is just, dirty, gross. What has happened is we've essentially been conditioned for years by good Ol' 'Murican institutions that "hey, racism is A-OK."
But let me step down from my high horse for a moment.
I am not innocent in all of this. Everyone has been guilty at one point or another to having a racially driven stereotypical thought about another person. It sucks, but its the truth. It just cuts a little deeper when a comment or action is made about you or the ethnic background you identify with.

I still don't really know how I feel about it, I just know I better come up with something REAL funny for the next one.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Ladies and Gentleman, Lupe Fiasco aka What's in the RyPod Today vol.1

Sometimes I feel bombarded by music. There's just so much out there, and just as many, if not more websites, blogs, artist and label pages that I feel like one of those people who doesn't watch LOST, and keeps getting told by people who watch LOST "you HAVE to watch LOST." I mean, I'm sure its great, but I've missed so much already, and theres just so much to catch up on, and frankly, you all sound like D-bags, so i'll just take the loss...I'm ok with that.
Although this is how I feel sometimes, I think this type of attitude should be checked at the door. Can you imagine never giving The Beatles a chance just because they were making albums before you had a chance to listen from the start? or Hendrix, or The Clash, or Coltrane. Anyways, you get the picture. When it comes to good art, it's always better late than never.
However, the opposite does occur on occasion.
Always on the lookout for new music, I took the suggestion of Mr. Benjamin Irwin, and illegally...or legally, not sure, downloaded the new Lupe Fiasco album, Lupe Fiasco's The Cool. Now, this was an easy sell, and the transaction itself was just as simple. I consider myself a mild fan of Mr. Fiasco's music...based on a few singles and some cameo's. But his first album, Food & Liqour, wasn't anything special...despite its single, Kick, Push, and the appetizing title...and I have never felt the urge to make the effort to obtain any more of his music.
Its not that the album was bad, I did really like 3-4 of the tracks, but it just sounded like he thought he was Kanye. An attitude that only works if you are a superstar producer, platinumplatinumplatinum artist (before 30, btw), not some hip skaterkid with really nothing more than a few hot flows on someone else's tracks, a lot of promise mind you, but really just the Corey Haim to Kanye's Corey Feldman circa 1987.
So I gave up on Lupe.
But I take suggestions from Ben Irwin quite seriously, and decided to give the latest Lupe offering a shot...and its amazing! And I'll come out and say it, it's better than Kanye West's Grammy winning Graduation. Straight up.
Bumpin' singles, hot flows, dance tracks, jazzy licks and songs very mix-able up in da know, in that stoked-to-be-hearing -your-favorite-track-you-thought-noone-else-knew-about way, rather than than the everyone's-heard-'Stronger'-a-billion-times way.
And really, does it get any more hip-hop-hipster than lyrics like this:

I like Mont Blanc pens and Moleskine paper / I like Goyard bags and green Now-n-Laters"

Cheezy moral of the story - give 2nd chances, or, never give up on someone...something like that.

Track Listing:
1. Baba Says Cool for Thought
2. Free Chilly f. Sarah Green and Gemstones
3. Go Go Gadget Flow
4. The Coolest
5. Superstar f. Matthew Santos
6. Paris Tokyo
7. High Definition f. Snoop Dogg & Pooh Bear
8. Hip Hop Saved My Life f. Nikki Jean
9. Gold Watch
10. Intruder Alert f. Sarah Green
11. Streets on Fire
12. Little Weapon
13. Gotta Eat
14. Dumb it Down f. Gemini & Graham Burris
15. Hello Goodbye f. UNKLE
16. The Die
17. Put You on Game
18. Fighters f. Matthew Santos
19. Go Baby

Recommended Tracks:
"Go Go Gadget Flow", "Superstar f. Matthew Santos", "Paris Tokyo"
All streamed on his MySpace page.