Monday, March 24, 2008

Master Cleanse Diary - Day 2

...and now the dramatic conclusion to the Master Cleanse Diary (day 2 of 2).

7:30am - Wake up. I just slept for 14 hours, and I didn't have a single alcoholic beverage the night before. Looking back, just one of the many red flags I ignored over the course of less than 48 hours.

8:15 - Im supposed to do that damn saltwater flush again. Thats not gonna happen. I mean seriously, is there a worse breakfast out there?

8:30 - Im on the bus, and I feel like a moron. Yes, because of the dumbass diet. But at this particular moment, its because I have this dumb looking thermos with me filled with the shake, and although Im sure noone on the bus knows Im doing this stupid diet, I feel like everyone looks at me and thinks "I wonder whats in that thermos? Looks like pee. I wonder if that guy is doing that dumb 'Master Cleanse' diet."

9:30 - Coffee smells so good right now. Again, no coffee.
*Side note: I know Im addicted, this wasn't a revelation I was making, more of a solid reaffirmation.

10:00 - First shake of the day. Just as bad as the day before. However, after going home the night before and seeing what an actual teaspoon looks like, I have come to the conclusion that I need to lighten up on the cayenne. I mean, I knew that, but now I have a better idea of what 1/10 of a teaspoon should look like, rather than doing what I did the first day. Yes, you guessed it, I took a spoonful of cayenne pepper(the small spoon, not the big one), dumped the cayenne on a cutting board and proceeded to chop up 10 even lines of cayenne....the best way I could think of dividing such a small amount of such a dry, powdery substance.

11:00 - I can't help but scowl. Even at things I find funny and interesting.
scowl scowl scowl.

11:15 - My first REAL "movement"! Pretty interesting. The color is not, umm, normal, but I suppose that is to be expected. I mean, that IS kinda the point of this whole thing...expelling abnormal toxins from my body. So score one for the Master Cleanse diet...I guess.

12noon - Lunch...err, lemonaid shake. At least its nice outside. I've decided to read during lunch while the normal people eat. It actually works. This reading thing is actually pretty good at keeping me distracted. But this makes me think...people will tell you when a movie sucked, or a restaurant sucked or when a concert sucked, but whenever you ask someone about the book they're reading, its always "soooo good". I dont buy it. People get so smug when they feel like they're going to get a chance to culturally one-up another.
Nevertheless, the book im reading kinda sucks.

1:20pm - Lunch went a little bit long.

2:05 - Shake. Absolute ass.

3:00 - I started listening to my coworker's mp3's on Myspace. He calls it "ambient-electronic-synthpop"...which just sounds like something I'd hate, but its actually pretty good, really cool samples and its really soothing. Interesting place that myspace.

4:00 - If there was a ever a time this ass-tastic shake started to get bearable, this would be the one.

4:15 - I would like to take this moment to recognize the fact that I have had a headache since the beginning. It's really only got worse.

5:00 - I want off.

5:30 - After consulting with a friend, I'm officially done with the Master Cleanse. Really not a tough decision. Actually one of the easier calls I've had to make in my life.
Now for the fun part...how do I "come off" the diet? Again, the blogs and hypochondriac websites suggest raw veggies, soup...that sorta thing. I want BBQ.

6:00 - STRAIGHT to Safeway.

6:35 - I thought against BBQ. I've been "backed up" before. It sucks. Worse than, well, what I got now. And seriously, calling in sick, or saying that you'll be late due to constipation is VERY high up there on the "awkward reasons to call in sick to work" list.

7:00 - I never thought a spinach, red-onion, tomato salad...with hummus on the side, would be so good.

7:15 - Time to reflect.

7:16 - That sucked balls. Easy enough.

5 comments:

TheTOB said...

hahahaha. I love that Ryan has the digestive system of a 47 year old man.


P.S. The book I am reading is sooooooo good. The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. But I totally got weirded out last night, around the 220 page mark, when there was a rape scene. A violent one at that. And if that wasn't enough...the woman like it. Um, ok. That's how culturally one-upping you I am. enjoying a book with a rape scene in which the woman got off on it, and I am able to understand that she doesn't like the rape, but the fact that for once she actually feels alive. She's probably going to start cutting next.

Patrick said...

Does this mean we can start daring you to try other diets we find?

*Ryan* said...

Only if you do them first.

Lisa said...

If you like having your ass clogged for weeks, you should do South Beach. I've done it. And it's pretty awful.

*Ryan* said...

You mean South Beach diet isn't just cocaine and flavored vodka?