In an effort to quell some health concerns, particularly in the intestinal region, I had been kicking around the idea to temporarily try out a new diet. I know that sounds kinda "OMG, Im soooooo fuck-king fat" - but I've heard that this diet, known as The Master Cleanse (made famous by Beyonce) , works miracles for digestion and overall wellness-and I like to take on little challenges like this to spite mostly fabricated nay sayers.
Problem is, what I hear is not always accurate, and challenging people who do not actually exist is kinda crazy. Nevertheless, I thought I'd indulge craziness and give it a whirl.
The Master Cleanse Diet:
(to be consumed 6-10 times per day for 7-10 days)
- 8 oz water
- 2 tbsp organic lemon juice
- 2 tbsp grade B maple syrup
- 1/10 tsp cayenne pepper
8:30am - Salt water cleanse. As recommended by the various websites, faux health gurus, message boards and blogs, I drank 2 pints of warm salt water to "flush out" my system.
9:15am - Brew up some "smooth move" tea, recommended for daily consumption with the diet...helps digestion, cleansing, and well, things 'move'-ing smoothly.
9:50am - Working diligently, or , reading the Onion, I notice, nothings' flushed, or moved, or whatever. Maybe its the lack of coffee (you know what I'm talking about), or maybe some anxiety, but I'm pretty much like clockwork around this time, and you know what, it's rather enjoyable, so I'm a little bummed to be quite honest.
10:00am - My first "shake" as I'll call them. Terrible. I knew I was going to have to chug this concoction, and I was actually surprised at how decent its initial burst of flavor was. Makes sense, lemon juice, syrup....lemonaide! But god damn that cayenne pepper. Only because I've actually had the misfortune of partaking, but it was like an 8oz shot or burst of straight Absolut Peppar. Try it. And make sure your people are there to see it. I dare you!
10:02am - Dragon breath.
11:01am - Usually pretty pumped at the thought of lunch being less than an hour away, I'm surprisingly satisfied.
12noon - Second shake of the day. Still really bad. I don't really see myself getting used this. And similar too most bad shots of liquor, I'm burping up cayenne pepper.
12:05pm - WATER!
12:15pm - Get some vitamin D, throw the pigskin around in the park. Not very interesting, but its the truth. This is what I did. Like the blog states...This is the life of a C-List baller. Sometimes shit just ain't that exciting.
1:10pm - I have a headache. Not the "back of the eyeball" kind I usually get, more of a slowly tightening vice clamp. Rad.
1:22pm - It's St. Patties Day. James says "Kennedy's", I say, Ibuprofen.
2:00pm - Third shake. This really sucks.
2:02pm - Water, water, water.
3:00pm - My head is KILLING me. Everything pisses me off, AND its a Monday. Worst part is, this is all pretty much self-inflicted. Way to be Ryan, don't listen to what other people say, I think you're a smart guy.
4:00pm - Fourth shake. Still really bad...and the worst part of this diet is this is what I have to look forward to...sugar-water-pepper assblast.
4:15pm - Head-in-hands.
4:30pm - Am I dizzy? Don't be such a pussy, it's only the first day!
5:00pm - Tommy's coming to the city. Why does it seem like every time I decide to do one of these personal challenges, some potentially fun or jovial holiday pops up? Oh well.
5:15pm - My head hurts, I'm getting dizzy, I'm HUNGRY...ain't doin' shit tonight.
5:20pm - Bus. I hate people. Sadly, this has nothing to do with the diet. Just another day on SF's Muni.
5:35pm - Home.
5:37pm - Last shake before bed. Fucking finally.
5:39pm - Bed.
This is a bad idea.
I better be able to blend up Brie cheese milk shakes when this is all over...or at least have some sort of vision quest to show for it.
Im not happy.